Have you ever revealed your deepest loss-of-child grief pain to someone only to have her give you an immediate comeback of super-positive or upbeat thinking they believe you should focus on? Something to get you over your slump?
What they may be guilty of is toxic positivity.
While there is no question that being positive and grateful is good for the brain and good for you physically and emotionally, it sometimes does more harm than good when you're mired deeply in child-loss grief, and your heart is bled out and raw.
Thinking back—
Do you remember a time when someone responded in a nauseatingly positive way when all you wanted to do was share your heart's pain and have a listening heart hear it?
How did it make you feel?
I remember a lot of overly upbeat sentiments shared with me after after my daughter's death. Things like:
"Oh, you can have more babies."
"Just forget it and move on." ("It?" This one came from an obstetrician friend.)
"You should try again for a girl!" (When I stood in the post office line with my two sons and the stranger in front of me thought she had the right to encourage or motivate me with that comment.)
And I remember the effect these toxic words and advice had.
Shock.
Shame.
Embarrassment.
A sense of lacking, or being inadequate.
Betrayed.
Devastated.
Misunderstood.
Anger.
The emotion list could go on and on.
Instead of being encouraging, most responses made me retreat into myself, believe people couldn't relate to my pain, didn't want to relate to it, and were too eager to have me get back to life and living.
My pain made them uncomfortable.
So I really shouldn't share it.
Biggest Culprits—
Unfortunately, and embarrassingly, Christians are often the biggest culprits of toxic positivity. They're too quick to recite Bible passages meant to encourage the griever. To help them put their grief in God's perspective. (As if the griever were ignorant about all those passages.)
While their hearts might be in the right place, often their mouths aren't. They aren't listening with their hearts.
Or their timing is all off.
But now comes the hard question: Are you guilty of doing that to someone?
I know I am.
Yes, there are many, many Bible passage exhorting us to lift one another up, but there's also that big one that tells us we need to "weep with those who weep."
To weep with a grieving person, we need to listen deeply. And hold. And then, when the griever's heart is receptive, encourage them with more upbeat words and thinking.
We need to walk alongside them, not rush ahead, drag them forward, or get behind them and push.
But I don't want us to get way ahead of ourselves here, I want to take time to explore this, so we can really learn and heighten our sensitivities and hone our responses to broken, hurting hearts.
What's ahead—
Next week, you'll want to head over to my author and mentor website. That's where I'm going to take the entire month of February Saturdays to cover this new, hot topic, which you may have heard about. In those weekly blog posts, we'll:
Define toxic positivity.
Provide examples of it.
Give you ways to deal with and respond to it. (If you're the damaged griever.)
Help you develop good handholding and empathy skills. (If you're the loving friend.)
Discuss the benefits of positivity and how to incorporate that into your life—at the right time.
Toxic positivity definition—
But I do want to leave you with something to think about today, so let's get started with the current definition of toxic positivity.
"Toxic positivity is promoting the ideal or goal that, no matter the circumstances, one should always and only maintain a positive, happy or optimistic mindset."
In other words, "Happy, happy, happy!" at all times, and in all things.
Is there anything wrong with this thinking?
Well, no, and yes.
And that's what we're going to be exploring this month, in small, helpful, bite-size increments. Helpful for the griever, and the one the griever seeks support and empathy from.
It's going to be a great month of learning.
Hope you can join me!
Invitation—
For this week, meditate on the toxic positivity definition. Se where your thoughts take you on this. Maybe jot down times you've experienced toxic positivity from a well-meaning friend, or when you think you've been guilting of it. Maybe you'll find you need to do some forgiving, or apologizing at some future point.
On a side note: After a bout with COVID right at the beginning of the New Year, it's good to be teaching and mentoring again!
Blessings,
Andrea
"I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers" (3 John 2).
Andrea Arthur Owan, M.S., A.T., R., is a fitness pro, speaker, award-winning inspirational writer, memoirist, and senior-ordained chaplain (IFOC). She helps people thrive physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and recover from grief, loss and trauma.
