Putting Your Life in Perspective: Part 1

           

            

HOW DID YOU DO with last week’s questions? Did you find them uncomfortable? Were you able to do some soul digging? Learn anything new about yourself? And were you able to select a focus word for the year?

           

            Hopefully you realized you were further ahead in setting and achieving New Year’s focus points than you thought you were. And, like me, came to the conclusion that 2017 was actually better than you thought it was.

Weaving the tapestry of your life

           

            I do hope you pinpointed the good from 2017 that can be some of your foundation for 2018. You may be revamping, unloading, changing focus, or putting activities into “good” and “bad” piles. But you’re really not starting over. We live life on a continuum, a tapestry that’s constantly being woven.

           

            It’s unlikely that you’re unraveling the tapestry or tearing it apart and starting a new one. And that may be why a new year can be both exhilarating and hope-packed, or depressing and hopeless.

           

            Honestly, as much as we’d like to think we’ve got a new beginning, we aren’t. The only type of truly new beginning I can think of is when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, and He completely overhauls you and your life. He—and He alone—can make all things new, and does! (I will get to that most important point later.)

           

            But for now, we’re talking about sifting the past for the nuggets you’ll use for building and shaping your life this year. And some of those nuggets may be things you might tend to stack in the bad pile. Starting anew can be scary if you think you’re starting completely from scratch. And you can feel giddy about it if you ignore the past year’s fallout. But do you really want to ignore that fallout?

Taking stock

           

            Let’s move a little further forward in setting your 2018 focus points, but not before you do a little more nugget digging.

           

            As business blogger Seth Godin says, “every day we get a chance to become better versions of ourselves.”

            

            That’s a great thought, but what if you don’t really know yourself. That’s the first place you need to start—taking stock of yourself.

           

            Last week I gave you some questions to help you do that. This week we’re going to take it a little further, and—fair warning—it may be a little uncomfortable.

Remembering life’s bad moments, and evaluating their effects

           

            There are several ways to put your life in perspective. Let me tell a story to get you started.

            I’ll never forget the day I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. (After I got over wanting to be a circus performer when I was six.) I was about twelve, and the inspiration came to me in a flash, although it had been germinating for some time.

           

            I LOVED animals. I really couldn’t get enough of them. Living in a high-rise apartment in downtown Honolulu that didn’t allow any animals didn’t squelch my desire to spend the rest of my life with them. (I actually coerced my mom and dad into allowing me to get my cat, Barney, who we kept well hidden until his premature death from uremic poisoning.)

           

            I was so proud of myself, and giddy! I knew my dad and mom would be so proud of me. I skipped into our living room and pronounced jubilantly, “I know what I want to do when I grow up!”

           

            “What’s that?” my dad said. The tinge of skepticism in his tone should have made me pause.

           

            “I want to be a veterinarian!” I was so excited I practically shook with joy.

           

            “Oh, no you’re not!” my dad shot back at me. “If you’re going to be a doctor, you’re going to be the kind of doctor that really makes a difference. You’re going to be a baby doctor!”

           

            I don’t really know how to describe how I felt. Crushed, humiliated, belittled, demoralized, devastated, lost all come to mind. I can still feel the effects of his words. My mom, who’d been listening from the kitchen (we had a VERY small apartment) had sucked in her breath and told my dad he shouldn’t say things like that to me. But it didn’t matter. I appreciated her support, but the damage was done. Dad didn’t approve, and I felt like an idiot. An idiot who now didn’t have a clue what she wanted to do, or the confidence to think she’d make a good choice if she did.

           

            Not long after, my mother mentioned she always thought it might be fun to be a clothes buyer for a department store. Maybe I might want to be in fashion.

           

            When I was around fifteen, my dad—who continued to offer his opinion “you should be a doctor” every so often—also suggested numerous times that I become a candy striper (young hospital volunteer) at a local hospital. Something nearly any girl who wanted to be a nurse or doctor did at the time. Turned out I wasn’t old enough; and I wasn’t too interested in the idea, anyway. How would I fit THAT into life with my gymnastics practice?

            But the message was clear: I needed to have a career in medicine, and having a M.D. after my last name was preferable.

           

            Even though I entered college claiming a pre-med major, it never happened. And I think I would have been a lousy doctor back then. And because I didn’t really have a focus—one I was passionate about—I didn’t focus, and I didn’t know what I needed to do to succeed. I floundered through life for years. Even after I settled on a major in college—sports medicine—I still engaged in things I loved, like music, theater and drama, and writing. Eventually I did grow to love medicine—helping athletes and patients get healthier and recover from injuries, or help them train in a way to avoid injuries altogether.

           

            But I still wonder what it would be like to be a vet, and if I would have been a good one. I still dream about having a big spread where I can harbor hoards of strays and castoff animals. And we always have one to four animals as part of the Owan family.

            
            And some 30 years later, I learned why my dad had been so bent on me becoming a baby doctor. In a rare moment of personal revelation, he said, “If I had it do over again, I would have become a pediatrician. I would have done something important, helping those little kids with cancer.”

           

            That’s when I realized my dad had been trying to live his life vicariously through me; that he wanted to rewind the years and unravel his regrets. Re-stitch his tapestry—through me.

           

            And it’s left a void in me ever since. My dad died in 2009, but I still struggle mentally to extract myself from his goals, his focus. (I’ll tell you next week one of the things I’m going to be doing to make that happen.)

Time to let it go  

           

            Maybe you’ve had the same experience. Someone you love, or really needed affirmation from, has shot down your dreams, your hopes, your goals, or your focus because they didn’t understand it, didn’t see value in it. So they dismissed it. Because they were more focused on their goals, dreams and desires than on identifying and nurturing your unique gifts and talents.

           

            I understand your frustration and pain. But I also know that it’s time you let that go, put it in the “to burn” pile and make ashes of it. Ashes you can throw out and not let hinder you again.

           

            The longer and harder you hang onto it, the more you make it “the reason” you’ve never achieved your goals or dreams or even given them a shot. The longer you hang onto it, the more it can damage you emotionally, physically and spiritually. The more life it can suck out of you.

Putting life events in perspective, and using them to your advantage

           

            So, you want to put these kinds of handicaps in perspective. I learned a lot about raising kids and what not to say to my boys from this experience. I’m pretty confident they’re pursuing degrees in fields they’re passionate about. And I want them to know they have my full support.

           

            It’s also helped me uncover why I’m such a procrastinator that fears failure so much (there are other reasons I know have contributed); and it’s helped me to figure out how to combat those character flaws.

           

            I wish I’d been the type of kid gutsy enough to do some searching on my own, find out what I needed to do academically to apply and get admitted to vet school, and then give it my best shot. Like my husband, who defied family advice and pursued his dream of becoming an engineer. Instead, I floundered around, lost academic focus, and fell off a cliff—in all sorts of metaphorical ways. I got hurt a lot and did a lot of damage to myself—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

           

            But in the painful processes, I’ve also learned that Christ can—and does—make all things new. And, in His graciousness, He restores and reframes goals, and talents, and gifts. And if you focus on Him first, you can come to yourself and get a real, authentic fresh start. And, you’ll remind yourself, as our pastor Jim Roden says, “to stop rubbing your nose in your sin.”

           

            It’s freeing and chain-breaking. As Pastor Jim also says, “It gets you out of the ghetto cage so you can live free on a mountaintop.”

Start the healing process

           

            Since I’ve already gone on way too long in this post, I’ll save the rest of the perspective discussion for next week. For this week, though, start jotting down the really negative events in your life, the ones you can’t seem to dislodge from your brain or get over. Then ask yourself:

1. How did that event affect me?

2. How did that event eventually strengthen, or weaken me?

3. How have I let that event sidetrack or stifle my life?

4. Do I need to carry the effects of that event to the ash heap, or can I turn it into a gold nugget to place in my foundation or life focus?

Then we’ll gather back here next week to dig deeper into Perspective so we can break some chains and set some focus points!

Make it a great week!

Blessings,

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

Photos courtesy of Google Images

Setting Goals: Taking Stock and Focusing

           

            How did you do with last week’s writing of a composite sketch of yourself? Learn anything new about you, or did you have difficulty being that introspective? Did you get a good start on seeing yourself in the mirror? Or is the vision a little fuzzy?

            Now that you’ve got that sketch or outline of who you are as a person, it’s time to start making lists. Not lists that will soon be lost in a paper pile, but lists that will help you lay the groundwork for setting goals that will result in real change.

           

            But instead of goals, I’d like you to think of them in terms of focus points. And the first focus points I’d like you to hone in on is what went wrong and what went right for you last year? And why?

Taking Stock and Rehashing

           

            Years ago my family and I started a tradition whereby we ring in the New Year by watching the ball drop in New York on television, or by going out for a simple dinner. (Chinese food, in honor of the movie A Christmas Story, is often the choice.) Then we get a roaring fire going in the fireplace and sit around discussing what the outgoing year was like for each of us and what we’d like to see change or occur in the New Year.

           

            The discussions have been introspective, fun and lively and have sometimes stretched to 2:30 or beyond in the morning. We learn a lot about one another. Sometimes what we learn is uncomfortable. (Like when your son tells you what type of person you are and you cringe because you realize he’s right and you can’t stand that part of your personality either.)

           

            On those years where we’ve been out of town (like the year we celebrated New Years at Disneyland) we just take the first weekend back home to go through the little ritual. And that’s what happened this year.

A Proper Focus

           

            We’d been out of town on a ski trip, and all of us ended up acquiring the horrendous influenza making its way around the world—and dropping like dominoes. So we didn’t feel much like going through the ritual, until a week ago. Even then the engineer, my younger son and I felt lackluster. (My older son had returned to his home in Washington.) Even depressed in some ways. 2017 hadn’t ended quite as we’d hoped, or planned.

           

            I started out by saying 2017 had been a rough year for me, and I was pretty happy to see it go. The engineer asked me to elaborate, so I did. Repeating all of the negatives left me exhausted and frustrated. But then something prompted me to start from the beginning again, and I went through all of the good things that happened. After I was done, the engineer chuckled and said, “Well, it sounded like a pretty good year to me!”

           

            I chuckled back and said, “Yeah, I guess it was wasn’t it?”

           

            Instead of focusing on the good stuff, I’d started out with the “bad.” I’m not sure why I did that. Aside from occasional bouts of melancholy (which, I admit, can be rather severe), I’m usually a positive, glass-half-full type of person.

           

            One reason, which our family is prone to, is that it may be that I zoomed through so many activities in a horrendously overloaded 2017 schedule that I didn’t have—or take—the time to really savor the good things. Once they got checked off the list, I just roared into the next one. Check, check, check! I walked through plenty of rose gardens—so to speak—but I didn’t take the time to examine the intricacies, beauty, and aroma of each one.

Goal Setting Snags 

           

            And that leads me to exploring the problems with goal setting.

           

            How often do you focus on the negatives and failures rather than what went right and what you should keep doing?

           

            We concentrate so much on where we’re going and where we want to be that we forget where we’ve been. How much of last year was a good foundation for what you can do this year?

           

            Did you learn more about health and good nutrition last year that you can put into practice this year? Did you take a Bible study class that really opened your eyes and set the stage for more intentional, simple and peaceful living? (Rather than rush into another Bible study, maybe you should really focus on the last one and practicing those things to make them perfect!)

Look Behind You

           

            Honestly, you don’t really know where you’re going until you see where you’ve been, AND you know why you went that route. So that’s what we want to concentrate on this week—focusing on where we’ve been this last year. Taking a bird’s eye view of your path, what transpired, and how it ended. Not where someone else has been; but where you have been. And maybe how you got there. (Yes, if you’re married and have children, it is likely that someone has been on your path with you. That’s okay. Explore how they affected your path, too. Maybe you had to put a marker down on your path, take a trip down their path with them for a while and then return to your path to pick up where you left off. That’s often an unavoidable part of life.)

           

           

            Then—after taking a bird’s eye snapshot of your year—use the following questions to dig deeper. The sources for these questions are writer K.M. Weiland’s “4 Life-Changing New Year’s Lessons for Writers” (the questions I’ve selected are relevant for everyone); and Career and Life Coach Marla Beck’s “Fire in the Belly.” I’ve also included my own in the list. Spend some time thinking about and answering them.

           

            1.  How are you—emotionally, physically, spiritually—different now than you were 

                 last January?

            2.  How is your life different?

            3.  What have you lost?

            4.  What have you gained?

            5.  What would you never want to trade from this past year’s experience, whether 

                  it’s something beautiful or painful, or both?

            6.  What beliefs have served you particularly well this year?

            7.  What beliefs failed you? (I think more than anything else, the answers to this

                 question the last two years have affected and changed me the most.)

            8.  What answers do you feel you have found that you didn’t have last year?

            9.  What questions are you still left with?

            10. Have you let others’ goals and dreams crowd your own out or push them aside? 

                 (Write down what, specifically, those might be.)

            11. How did working on others’ goals and dreams (helping them pursue them) 

                  benefit or detract from your life?

            12. Did you constantly let life sidetrack you last year?

            13. Did you say “yes” to too many things and not say “no” enough to others?

            14. Do you constantly let life sidetrack you emotionally, physically, and 

                   spiritually?

            15. If you could pick out just one word to focus on for this year, what would that 

                  word be? Faith? Trust? Perseverance? Love?

            16. How is your spiritual life? Lukewarm? Weak? On fire? Holding pattern? 

                  Getting there?

No Shortcuts!

           

            It’s a lot of questions, but it’s a good place to start. A place on which to build a strong foundation for your future. And as I said last week, foundations are everything. You want yours to be hefty and strong!

           

            I remember an adorable gymnast named Annabelle that my dad and I were coaching. She oozed personality, talent and focus. She knew what she wanted. But she wanted to “skip the basics and get to the nitty gritty.” She wanted to bypass the essentials. She didn’t want to take the time to build a foundation. After my dad snickered a little, he told her she needed the basics in order to learn the tougher, more exciting moves. She didn’t like it, but she understood and worked even harder on her basics so she could move on and improve. Faster.

           

            And not only is foundation everything, it’s something you always need to return to. Like a concert pianist that always warms up with her scales and spends daily practice time on them, you need to keep returning to and referring to your basics. Those questions and insights that uncover the real you. The more you do that the easier and more natural they become. The more you do that the more neural connections your brain and body make to build upon. The better you’ll get at being you—the person God wants and intended you to be!

            As we move forward this year, we’re going to be focusing on balanced living—the emotional, the physical and the spiritual aspects of life that make it rich and complete. I hope you’ll join me as we continue this journey together!

Blessings,

Andrea

May you prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

Photos by Google Images

For further study go to:

K.M. Weiland’s blog post: https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/new-year-goals-for-writers/

www.CoachMarla.com

Resolution #1: Discover the Mystery of You

            Did you manage to make it through New Year’s Day without writing a resolution list?

            Resolution lists usually consist of goals like losing weight, getting in shape, being kinder, volunteering more, being more generous, etc. They’re usually honorable goals. Why are they so often broken and discarded before the end of the month, though?

Establishing a firm foundation

            In order to be successful in writing and succeeding in those resolutions, you need to set a firm foundation to build those resolutions upon. Just as a building contractor needs to level the building site, measure the layout of a home, stake the perimeter of its footprint, prepare and pour a strong foundation upon which to construct that home, you need to take the same approach to life.

           

            You can’t just lay out some sticks on the ground, nail vertical rails to the horizontal ones and then slap up some walls and expect it to stand. Life is the same way. It takes forethought and planning and careful building to achieve success.

           

            So where can you start?

ü  You need to be realistic in your goals.

ü  You need to write down your goals. (Studies show that people who write down their goals are far more likely to successfully attain them.)

ü  You need to know why you want to achieve those goals. Know what will they do for you or for others. When people ask me to develop a physical fitness/training program for them, the first question I ask them is: “What do you want to achieve?        

           

            Surprisingly enough, most of them can’t answer that question. Instead they look at me for several seconds and then say, “Well, that’s a good question. I really don’t know.” They simply know they “want to lose” and “get in shape.” But they don’t know what that means for them personally.

           

            Now, I might be able to tell them what I think they should do, (I can usually tell by looking at them, asking them a few questions and doing a few simple tests what they need), but that wouldn’t be their goal—the one they’re sold on—so it’s less likely they’ll stick with the program or be happy and consistent doing it. I’d have to beg and cajole them into sticking with it. And that’s no fun for anyone.

            And I really can’t instill the mental toughness into someone that needs to be there to guarantee success. That’s a personality issue you need to work on and develop yourself. (Studies also show that most successful competitive athletes don’t workout more than the average person because they like working out. They workout because they know they need to do it to get better. When their athletic competition days are over, they usually stop working out and end up gaining weight like the average population. The goal has ended so the means to get there can be discarded.)

            But there is a very critical first step that needs to be taken before you get on the resolution train.

Know thyself

           

            There’s a great statement the North African Christian theologian Augustine of Hippo made and it bears repeating and spending some serious time meditating on before rushing off to write down resolutions or goals.

           

            “And men go abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty waves

            of the seas, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the

            circuits of the stars, yet pass over the mystery of themselves without

            a thought.”

            When was the last time you really spent some serious time discovering the mystery of you? How you’re wired? What your gifts and talents are? What your likes and dislikes revolve around? What your weaknesses and strengths are?

           

            Not what you wish they were. (You can explore that later.) But what makes you unique. Because God makes everyone unique. But instead of valuing our uniqueness, we often spend more time comparing ourselves to others and expending energy trying to be like them—acquiring their talents and dreams and gifts. It might be because their gifts are the ones that seem to get all of the attention, or they may be the ones you admire the most (or someone close to you does, in which case you’ve convinced yourself, incorrectly, that you need to be more like that other person).

            But that’s the challenge I want to present to you this week. (Although it may take longer than a week for real introspection.) Explore the mystery of you! The good, the not-so-good, the strengths, the weaknesses. The likes and the dislikes.

           

            If you’re really feeling motivated, write a one-page composite sketch of you. Not how you’d like to be, but how you are. Right now. Before any resolutions. Pray about it.

Meditate over it. Go for a walk and explore the mountains and beaches while you’re asking God to reveal you to you.

Meet me here next week and we’ll explore what to do with that personal composite sketch!

Blessings,

Andrea

Read This BEFORE You Make That New Year Resolution!

New Year is always a great time to feel as though you can start fresh, make a resolution (or many of them) that will change your life for the better. Something that will help you become a new you!

The only problem? Those resolutions usually don't make it through January. So I want you to wait until you read next week's post to set any resolutions or make any changes. You'll be glad you did!

So enjoy the day with family friends, cheer on your football team to victory in whatever bowl game you're watching, and look forward to embarking on some personal changes that will really affect you and change your life for the better!

May you prosper in all ways this year!

Blessings,

Andrea

Photo by Google images