Loneliness in Grief: How God Responds to Our Crying Out

          

           In the last post, we talked about crying out to God in our hurt, our pain, our grief. We have loneliness that we cry out to God about, too. When loss strikes, we feel so terribly alone. Abandoned. But are we? Funny thing about crying out to God, though. I mean really, sincerely, passionately crying out to God as though you have a belief—even an inkling—that He exists and might hear you. Even while we’re crying out, we harbor doubts that anyone out there is listening to us, or even cares. Rest assured, beloved, that He hears…and He answers.

           

            To prove my point, let’s return to the passages I noted last week and get the rest of the story on the events.

           

            In Exodus 2:23 we read: “Now it happened in the process of time that the king of Egypt died. Then the children of Israel groaned because of the bondage, and they cried out; and their cry came up to God because of the bondage.

            Continue into the next two verses, and you read about God’s response to their crying out: “So God heard their groaning, and God remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. And God looked upon the children of Israel, and God acknowledged them.”

           

            Read the next 12 chapters in the book, and you’ll discover just how dramatic an acknowledgement it was; on what a grand, miraculous scale sometimes God works. Do you know about those ten plagues God visited upon Egypt? Sometimes God answers in big ways!

            In Exodus 17:4, we heard Moses crying out to God to intervene because he’s terrified that the Israelites are going to stone him because they’re so disgusted with him. What does God do? He gives Moses a step-by-step miracle solution in verses 5-7: “And the LORD said to Moses, ‘Go on before the people, and take with you some of the elders of Israel. Also take in your hand your rod with which you struck the river, and go.

           

            ‘Behold I will stand before you there on the rock in Horeb; and you shall strike the rock, and water will come out of it, that the people may drink.’ And Moses did so in the sight of the elders of Israel.

           

            “So he called the name of the place Massah (Tempted) and Meribah (Contention), because of the contention of the children of Israel, and because they tempted the LORD, saying, ‘Is the LORD among us or not?”

           

            We can glean several points from these passages: First, when Moses cried out, God responded. Second, God answered Moses by giving him a concrete plan (which is always helpful if you’re feeling paralyzed by fear and indecision). Third, God has Moses take some spiritual and moral support with him—elders of Israel. Nothing like a little offensive line to make the quarterback (you) feel more secure and less alone. Fourth, God tells Moses not to forget that rod he used in front of Pharaoh and to stick in the Red Sea before God parted it. Nice visual picture, and reminder to the Israelites of God’s power and Moses’s position with God. Fifth, God supplies what the Israelites need in a dramatic way, and, in so doing, justifies Moses. And Moses has eyewitnesses in the elders. More support. (Reminds me of the verse: “If God be for us, who can be against us?”)

           

            In Numbers 12:13, Moses cried out for his sister Miriam’s healing. God does hear and heals Miriam, only after she is subjected to a 7-day humbling period, shut out and away from the others, with time to contemplate and repent of her arrogance and jealousy. (Ever been humbled like that?)

           

            In Numbers 20:16, the Israelites remember how they cried out and how God responded by protecting and saving them.

            In Deuteronomy 26:7, we again read about how the Israelites remember how they suffered, they cried out to God, God heard and removed their affliction of slavery and oppression.

            Joshua 24:7 is another reminiscence of the people crying out to God and His listening and saving response.

            Job crying out to God after his calamity and in his grief and illness is another good read—about God’s patient listening to Job’s diatribe and then His rebuttal, which is sometimes scathing in its tone.

            Today, though, let’s go to Psalm 116: 1-11, a Psalm of David, and we’ll read it first in the New King James Version and then in The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language.

           

            I love the LORD, because He has heard

            My voice and my supplications.

            Because He has inclined His ear to me,

            Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

            The pains of death surrounded me,

            And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me:

            I found trouble and sorrow.

            Then I called upon the name of the LORD:

            “O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!”

           

            Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

            Yes, our God is merciful.

            The LORD preserves the simple;

            I was brought low, and He saved me.

            Return to your rest, O my soul,

            For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

            For You have delivered my soul from

                        death,

            My eyes from tears,

            And my feet from falling.

            I will walk before the LORD

            In the land of the living.

            I believed, therefore I spoke.

            “I am greatly afflicted.”

            I said in my haste,

            “All men are liars.”

Now The Message version—

           

            I love God because he listened to me,

                 listened as I begged for mercy.

            He listened so intently

                 as I laid out my case before him.

            Death stared me in the face,

                 hell was hard on my heels.

            Up against it, I didn’t know which way to turn;

                 then I called out to GOD for help:

            “Please, GOD!” I cried out.

                 “Save my life!”

            GOD is gracious—it is he who makes things right,

            our most compassionate GOD.

                 GOD takes the side of the helpless;

            when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.

            I said to myself, “Relax and rest.

                 GOD has showered you with blessings.

            Soul, you’ve been rescued from death;

                 Eye, you’ve been rescued from tears;

            And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling.”

            I’m striding in the presence of GOD,

                 alive in the land of the living!

            I stayed faithful, though bedeviled,

                 and despite a ton of bad luck,

            Despite giving up on the human race,

                 saying, “They’re all liars and cheats.”

           

            Ever feel like David in your grief? Like hell and death are hard on your heals, relentlessly chasing you down, never letting up to allow you to take a breath? Squeezing and wringing your heart until it ruptures? Do you feel paralyzed into inaction, unable to make a decision, feeling as though you’re losing your mind and the entire world has focused all of its efforts to undo you? Do you speak out in haste, blaming others and everything else in life before thinking, because you can’t think straight anyway?

            Three important points are evident in this Psalm:

            First, when we cry out to God, He hears us. The visual picture we can get from this verse is one of a father leaning down to listen carefully to a child’s cry. Have you ever leaned down or knelt down to listen to a child’s cry or tear-choked plea? That’s how God responds to you when you’re doing the choking. He inclines His hear to hear you.

            Second, we learn that when we cry, God helps us. He is generous toward His children. Indeed, He is a God who also makes the sun to rise and shine on the people who reject Him. And He sends rain upon both the just and the unjust. Does He always answer in the way we want, as quickly as we expect? No, yet we can be assured He always responds in perfect time and with what we need.

            Third, when we cry out to Him, God heals us. Does He always choose to heal our sick and broken bodies and restore them to full, vibrant health? No, but He always heals our spirits. And believers can rest assured and rejoice in the knowledge that eventually we will be completely healed, in mind, body and spirit.

            In the process—which is often a long one—He changes our perspective on events and on our pain and suffering. He holds our hand and slowly walks through the storm-ridden valley and into the sunshine, to intermingle with the ones we thought were out to get us. We can eventually relax and rest.

           

            We can rejoice.

           

            And that gives us a clue to next week’s discussion: How do we respond to God after we cry out and He hears and responds?

So until next week,

Thanks for joining me!

Blessings,

Andrea

If you’d like some musical encouragement to accompany your crying out and comfort seeking, you might like these two selections:

“Cover Me” by Mark Condon: www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCxdItivTfQ

(If you’d prefer a real knock down, holy roller church version then you’ll want to see this version: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmWTPIInuIE)

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ

            

            Are you still unsure? Then sincerely ask God to reveal Himself to you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. God wants you to call on him, to hold onto Him. When he spoke to the prophet Jeremiah, he said, “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

           

            It’s the passage I clung to and prayed fervently when I ached to know God more, and have Him reveal Himself to me. And He was faithful in His response to this promise. Try it yourself and see if He doesn’t respond to you.

           

            And then let me know what happens!

(photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/98601756@N05/15039605842">Infant Karenni Boy</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">(license)</a>)

The Loneliness of Grief: Crying Out to God

            Grief stuns and unravels us from the inside out. Loneliness seeps in, sometimes immediately; sometimes only after the busy days of funeral preparations, and the funeral, and after the friends and family have filtered away and returned to their normal routines. It’s that feeling you get when you know the person you said goodbye to is gone from your present earthly life forever and is not coming back, and life here will never be the same. And crying out to God is often the first thing we do.

            The reflexive cry erupts from the gut. Even atheists who deny the presence of an intelligent, creative being (outside of themselves, of course), cry out in anger, hate and disbelief to a God they deny exits. Even Stephen Hawking, the famed wheelchair-bound British theoretical physicist suffering from disabling and deadly amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), doesn’t seem entirely comfortable with his atheistic faith; he and Russian investor Yuri Milner have launched “Breakthrough Listen”, a 100 million-dollar research program aimed at locating intelligent extraterrestrial life in the universe. Hmmm… Even though Hawking says he believes life on Earth arose spontaneously, it makes me think of the saying “There are no atheists in foxholes.” (And when you’re grieving and a little unnerved about the future, you might feel as though you’re cornered in a foxhole.)

           

            You don’t have to read too far in the Bible to find people crying out to God. You find it in the Book of Genesis. In Exodus, the second book of the Bible, in Chapter 2, verse 23, you find the Israelites crying out to God because of their captivity in Egypt:

           

            “Now it happened in the process of time that the king of Egypt died. Then the     

            children of Israel groaned because of the bondage, and they cried out; and

            their cry came up to God because of their bondage.”

           

            Later, in verse 4 of Chapter 17, you read about Moses doing some yelling out to the heavens, too. “So Moses cried out to the LORD, saying, “What shall I do with this people? They are almost ready to stone me.”

           

            In Numbers 12:13, we again hear Moses beseeching God: “So Moses cried out to the LORD, saying, ‘Please hear, O God, I pray.’”

           

            In Deuteronomy 26:7 and Joshua 24:7, the Israelites and Joshua reminisce about their crying out to God.

           

            And so it goes. In nearly every book of the Bible you find someone crying out to the creator of the universe. There’s a lot of crying out by King David and other Psalm writers. The Apostles cried out to God during the genesis of the church, while under persecution. Paul cried out to God when he got knocked off his horse and lost his eyesight—in the process of becoming a believer and turning his life to Christ. Even Jesus, God’s son, cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” while he was hanging on the cross.

           

            The point here is: It’s natural to cry out. And the most natural person to cry out to is God.

           

            Are you angry with Him? He understands and can take your ranting. (Check out the books of Job and Psalms if you want to know how much ranting God can take.)

           

            Does your grief cause you to cry out because you want to know if He’s there? If He actually exits? If He’s even listening, or cares?

           

            Crying out in grief is the most natural response I can think of. In the short run, it helps you feel as though you are sharing your burden with someone else, or at least hope you can. Or, if you’re angry, you might feel that you’re helping to unload some of your grief by pointing fingers of blame at someone, which is also a natural response.

           

            So go ahead and cry out. Loudly, if you want. Stand out in the middle of a forest and scream in agony.

           

            And next week we’ll take a look at how God responds when we do.

Until next week,

Thanks for joining me!

May you find blessings in your week,

Andrea

(All Scripture passages in this post were taken from the New King James Version Bible.)

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/31169339@N07/4253056121">Mouth (2)</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

The Loneliness of Grief: Self-Care

           

            Self-care gets a bad rap sometimes. In our me-focused society, just the word can trigger feelings or impressions of selfishness, time-wasting activities, self-indulgence, narcissism, and wasteful extravagance. While self-care may indeed balloon into all of those, the self-care I’m referring to is the type of care you need in order to successfully navigate the grief process, in order to return to the living.

           

            So let’s look at good self-care that helps you heal.

1) Don’t rush! The first and most important thing to recognize is that you shouldn’t try to rush through (or allow someone else to push you through) the grieving. Remind yourself that this will be a one-step-at-a-time process. When my grandmother was hit by a car while walking to the bus stop, she suffered a severely fractured leg that required a plate to replace the pulverized bone they had to remove. After she lay in a coma for three days, she first needed to heal physically, and then it took her two long, frustrating years to learn to walk again. Her youngest son had to leave their California home to live with his much older, married-with-kids sister in Iowa for two years. Both literally and figuratively, my grandmother had to return to living one slow, and sometimes painful step at a time.

            So tack that up on a wall at eye level, or tape it to your bathroom mirror: “This is going to take time!”

2) You’re priceless. Remind yourself how valuable you are to God—He wants to see you through this—and how valuable you are to others who need you to get through this.

3) Choose contact wisely. Avoid contact with people who are not contributing positively to your healing, or at least keep the contact with them to a minimum. (Some of your friends and family members may actually harm and thwart your healing.)

4) Journaling. Buy a journal and journal your pain, your thoughts, your heartache no matter how random those words might be or how confused they may sound. Cry out on paper.

5) Use your voice mail. If you aren’t in the mood or you lack the energy to converse with others, don’t apologize for it or chat with them out of feelings of guilt or responsibility. Leave a message on your answering machine/voice mail, thanking them for their call and telling them you’ll return the call when you’re feeling up to it. You might include something about how you’re doing, just to bring them up to speed, if you want.

6) Use your email. Activate your email auto-responder with a similar message so senders won’t expect an instant reply from you.

7) Beware of the television and Internet! While they can help you keep in touch with people or help burn hours, they can be addicting and brain numbing, neither of which will be to your long-term benefit. And watching either one within an hour or two of going to bed at night can severely disrupt your sleep and brain wave patterns.

8) Medication. Do not be fearful of asking your doctor for anti-anxiety or anti-depressives, but plan to take them for only a little time, (unless you have severe clinical depression and absolutely need them to survive). There are other highly effective ways to combat depression and anxiety. But using the prescription meds to take the edge off, especially in the beginning of your grief, can be helpful for healing.

9) Sleep aids. Consider using sleep aids, but beware of prescription medication. Again, using medicine like Ambien can seem helpful, but it doesn’t allow your brain to engage in deep, dream-stage sleep, which is what is needed. Again, there are other, more effective, healthier methods to combat insomnia. Over-the-counter melatonin can be a good option for some, but talk to your doctor first.

10) Pamper yourself. Yep, go to the spa, have a manicure, pedicure, facial, or massage. (Men, you should consider doing any or all of these things, too!) I’m not talking about you giving yourself a mani or a pedi, either. Have a trained aesthetician do the procedure. The health benefits of having someone give you these types of treatments are astounding. There really is power in physical touch. And there are psychological benefits of getting yourself fixed up and looking good. You are more likely to feel better about yourself.

Another benefit of going to a spa for treatment or having your hair done is that spa technicians and hair stylists are usually really great armchair psychologists and exceptional listeners. You’ll feel like you’ve had a combined beauty and brain treatment.

11) Animal benefits. If you have a pet, spend more time petting them, and giving them a massage! Research has shown that pet owners are usually healthier and have lower blood pressure (Read: Are more relaxed) than non-owners.

12) Eat right! AVOID SUGAR like you would avoid a highly contagious disease! Consuming sugar shuts down the immune system for several hours and leaves you vulnerable to infection. It also inflames your tissues, which is the exact opposite of what you want happening when you’re healing. Some people liken it to a poison. The more research I read about it, the more inclined I am to agree with them.

And consuming smaller meals every two hours keeps the digestive stress down in your organs, especially the pancreas and liver. Good fats and proteins; no fried foods; healthful veggies and a limited number of fruits, and very few or no fruit juices. Too much fruit sugar can negatively affect your blood sugar levels, which increases inflammation. And absolutely NO soda, diet or otherwise. (Diet soda is actually worse for you than the regular stuff.)

13) Sleep amounts. Get just the right amount of sleep: Not too much and not too little. When you’re in the initial stages of grief and loneliness, you will most likely need more, because it’s when you’re sleeping that the body heals itself. However, too much sleep isn’t good for you, either. Seven to nine hours is ideal. Women usually need more than men, and they’re more sensitive to nighttime sleep disruptions. If you can’t sleep, get up and read, or journal, or pray, but don’t turn on the television! That will only worsen your insomnia.

Be in bed by midnight, preferably 11:00 PM. Your body starts working to rid itself of toxins between the hours of 1:00-3:00 AM, and it can ONLY do that when you’re sleeping and are entered into a deeper sleep level. If you’re awake at those times, there’s no detoxification going on. Your body can’t do it. So your liver and digestive tract store that awful stuff, which can make you sick.

Make sure you sleep in a dark room. No lights from phones, (which should NOT be next to your bed), clocks, or nightlights. Consider getting room-darkening curtains. Otherwise, your body rhythms can be disrupted with unnatural light streaming in your windows and underneath your doors. That can also keep you from achieving optimal, deep brain wave sleep.

And drop the room temperature. Between 68 to 72 degrees is optimal. If you live in a really dry environment, get a humidifier revved up to 55% humidity. Below that percentage the ambient air sucks moisture out of your body, which means you’ll quickly become dehydrated, and your body will be working overtime to achieve internal physical and chemical balance. (Called homeostasis in science-speak.)

14) Be a kid again. Consider getting out your nap mat and taking a mid-afternoon snooze. Forty-five minutes to an hour-and-a-half is ideal, and only between the hours of 1:00-3:00 PM. Anything after that time, and definitely after 4:00 PM, will likely disrupt your evening sleep.

Along the lines of being a kid again, if you feel up to it, play. Do something silly or fun that has no intended goal. Laugh a lot. When is the last time you went to the park and slid down the slide? Made a sand castle at the beach? Have fun for the pleasure of having fun. Bonus: Play is important for good brain health, too!

15) Get up, shower, and get dressed. Even though you don’t feel like, get out of your jammies and nightgown and let the water cascade across the body. Put makeup on, do  your hair, and put on nice, clean clothes. It’s great for not only the body but also for the soul.

16) Exercise. Getting exercise, as far as some neuroscientists are concerned, is actually more important for the brain than it is for the rest of the body. The organ that receives the biggest benefit from exercise is your brain. The exercise keeps the blood nourishing the brain, and keeps it alert and functioning well. Exercise tends to make you feel happy, especially with all of those morphine-like substances exercise releases running around in your body post-exercise, sometimes for more than a day (depending upon the exercise strenuousness). Choose something you like to do and do it, even if you don’t necessarily “feel” like it. If you’re feeling anti-social, get a DVD and exercise to it in the comfort and quiet of your own home. Purchase some low cost gym equipment you can set up in your house for convenience. Take frequent breaks to go work out on it, or just do some light stretching exercises.

Walking outside is probably premier exercise #1! The health benefits of getting outside, breathing fresh air and getting the blood pumping for 20-30 minutes can’t be praised enough. It’s one of the most highly recommended activities for people suffering depression. And it’s recommended that you get outside first thing in the morning. It elevates your mood and sets the stage for having a decent day. (And some statistics show that how you spend the first ten minutes of your day dictates how the rest of the day will go.)

So, walk. Walk alone or walk with a friend, especially one who won’t exhaust you by talking incessantly. If you want to talk incessantly, pick a friend who’s a great listener. Or listen to uplifting music while you’re walking. Or pray. (On a side note, this is an ideal time to pray for others. Praying for others helps distract you from your problems and actually makes you feel better emotionally. Use this time to nourish yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally. It’s great at accomplishing all three.

17) Counseling. Find a good counselor who will listen and guide your through the healing process. Having an outside ear and support system is valuable to your recovery.

And most important, ask the One who is in the caring business to guide you on this self-care journey. He knows what you need more than you, or your next-door, armchair doctor neighbor knows. God is an extravagant giver.

He’s one friend you don’t want to set aside on this healing journey.

Next week we’ll look at how we respond to God in the loneliness of grief.

So, until next week,

Thanks for joining me!

Blessings,

Andrea

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/58520208@N04/9454757740">Sunset Yoga</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>