Something happened, and now I know,
he
touched me and made me whole.
~
William J. Gaither
My heart was now drenched with joy,
love and hope. But I knew this next process—of allowing God to clean house in
my heart—was going to take some time. I had a ton of baggage to haul out the
door!
So I began the process of allowing
God to burn the decomposing refuse in my heart so He could finally—fully—move in, redecorate and establish
permanent residence there. No reserving a secret, off-limits spot for myself in
its dark recesses.
My first step was to stop
approaching God with less of a laundry list of “I wants” or “I know I will be
happier ifs…” Instead, I approached Him with a more humble, contrite attitude.
Some things I quickly admitted I didn’t deserve and fully prepared my heart to
accept His answer, no matter what that answer might be. I appealed to His
mercy, focusing on His will rather
than my own.
Finally, after so many years of
struggling between the persistent voice of God and the empty lure of my tidy
collection of idols, I discovered what it meant to have real faith in Jesus.
Faith that only our loving God can give you.
I remained unsure how He’d fulfill
His promises or manifest His faithfulness, and, for a short time, I still
continued to imagine that having faith meant never experiencing doubts or fear. (I’d eventually learn how to
deal with those!) But the reality that God knew what I needed, and would always be faithful to me and to those
needs, finally permeated my calloused heart and hard head. Comprehension of
what living in His will meant emerged
in vivid clarity. I began to fall in love with a Savior whose power, authority and
grace know no boundaries or limits.
His grace propelled me forward on the
ascent from suffocating despondency that had engulfed me. I felt energetic, purified.
Forgiven! In grace, I moved confidently and aggressively forward into the
acceptance stage of grief. Without dismissing that grief, I made a conscious
decision to face forward and look to the future with strength, hope, and a new
life.
This new hope—this spiritual
rebirth—brought with it a reawakening of maternal longing. Along with this hope
came thoughts about one more attempt to have another child, to chance another
pregnancy.
But there were several things I knew:
Until I could joyfully anticipate a pregnancy without needing to have a girl,
or desiring to replace Victoria, I wasn’t ready. If I tried to force my desires
upon God, I wasn’t ready. I would handicap my healing and myself, and be poorly
prepared to receive another gift of life from Him. And I’d be inadequately
prepared to confront another loss.
I was on the right road to complete
recovery, just beginning to grasp what the grace of God truly means for a
Christ follower.
What I didn’t know, and what I’d
soon discover, was just how much further into the depths of anguish, despair
and fear that God and His grace would lead, follow and sustain me.
_________________________________________
Do you know the
Lord at all? Do you think you know Him? Do you really know Him? Or are you, like I was, living a life of
deception, of unreality, a life Reverend Karen Vonnoy calls, “Virtual
Christianity?”
Have you
deceived yourself into thinking you and the way you live your life are okay? As
Vonnoy says, “Our society caters primarily to our wants and not our needs. We
play games with ourselves about those wants and needs, and [probably in order
to make ourselves feel justified and more righteous] we rationalize our
behavior with others and draw them into our virtual Christianity.
“Deception
contributes to the death of our spirit and we begin to die inside. The greater
the deception the greater the turmoil within. Then you set up an inner
resistance and avoidance of spiritual matters.”
The question is:
What is the state of your heart? Is it full of turmoil or peace? What’s your
future look like? Do you know where you’ll be spending it? (Future is an
important thing to think about since all
of us will be spending a lot of time there.) Have you deceived yourself?
If you’re trying
to intellectually rationalize all of this, don’t. Why?
Because it’s a
heart issue, not a head issue.
Want to get in
on this God thing? There’s nothing mysterious or complicated about it. There’s
no ritual you need to perform, no special chant or prayer you need to utter. Just
ask Him. Honestly seek Him and ask Him
to reveal Himself to you and change your heart.
When you do
He’ll write you on the palm of His hand, make you a part of the family, start
preparing a place for you in eternity, and tell you great, unsearchable things
you did not know!
________________________________________
NEXT WEEK: Before I head into Part 2 of my story,
I’m going to give you 11 steps to help you defeat depression, or at least make
it more manageable. I’ll incorporate recent neuroscience research, integrated (alternative)
medicine advice—including manual therapies, exercise, diet and natural
drugs—and an overall solid approach to healing: emotionally, physically and
spiritually.
___________________________________________
Make it a great
week!
Thanks for joining
me!
Blessings,
Andrea
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