If you direct your thought
and control your emotions, you will ordain your destiny.”
~Napoleon Hill, author
and advisor to President Franklin D. Roosevelt
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As we continue with our goal to
defeat depression through mindfulness, I cannot stress enough
that—unless you have a severe chemical imbalance in your brain that is causing
your depression—you do have a choice! You can take control of your emotions,
and choose to express the emotions that will lift you up rather than bring you
down.
It’s all about taking control over
our emotions by taking control of our thoughts, rather than let them drag us
down into some hopeless pit. Taking control is not always easy since we tend to
play events over and over in our mind, we entertain them and relive them, until
they become an integral part of us. And since we’re more likely to hide or
cover up our wounds than identify them so they can be healed, our emotions tend
to grow tentacles that reach into our souls and squeeze, twist and strangle us,
and our hearts, to death.
Again, this blog deals primarily
with parents and families who are grieving the loss of a baby, so, if you fall
into that category, your depression is most likely going to be “temporary.” But
be aware that grief can cause a Major Depressive Disorder in vulnerable people.
How do you know if you are
experiencing a Major Depressive Disorder, or MDD? Major Depression or a Major Depressive Disorder is defined as a severely depressed mood that persists for
at least two weeks. Periods of depression may occur as discrete events or
as recurring events over your lifespan. (I fall into the latter category, which
probably contributed to my more severe depression that I suffered after
Victoria’s death.)
And it’s important to know that
stress contributes to the development and maintenance of depression. When you
experience stress that you, or your body, find difficult or impossible to
control, the stress contributes to the development and maintenance of
depression. And when depression sets in, it can become a vicious cycle filled
with the following:
~ Your
depression can lead to, or become a means by which you compulsively seek
relief from the stress.
~ It can drive
you to avoid experiencing uncomfortable or distressing emotions or
situations. The way you end up avoiding them
is by checking out of or disengaging
from life. Activities and things you used to
find rewarding and enjoyable are no
longer rewarding and enjoyable, so you
withdraw from them, and people, completely.
~ When you
disengage from life, you have a tendency to become self-involved
and inward thinking. This leads to more
negative thoughts and wrong beliefs about
yourself, like feelings of worthlessness,
hopelessness, and failure.
~ When a
specific section of your brain (called the anterior cingulate) doesn’t trigger
a
change in your emotional response strategy, you
keep re-thinking of the negatives,
instead of putting on the breaks and
changing your thought patterns, and, thus,
your emotional response. But take heart! Changes
in this brain area’s response have
been associated with recovery from
depression!
While emotions are critical to life
and serve an important function, we need to learn how to put on the brakes and
stop letting our emotions control us! We can learn positive interpretations for negative stimuli, which, in
turn, decreases the brain’s automatically “negative” response and allows us to
eventually get to a point where the once-negative stimuli have no effect on us.
Fear and depression can be erased from the brain!
What we need to remember is that our
feelings are usually products of our beliefs, and on what we focus the majority
of our thoughts—the messages we repeatedly tell ourselves.
So, bearing that in mind, ask
yourself some questions: What am I thinking about most often? Is it my loss? Do
I spend most of my day thinking about the tragedy, the pain the suffering? Do I
always feel discouraged because I’m afraid that all hope is lost and that I, or
someone else, was a failure? Have I lost my confidence? Do I feel inadequate,
and keep beating myself up with negative self-talk about my inadequacy? (If you
have lost a baby or loved one, you will most likely feel discouraged because
all hope does initially seem lost—to
you it is!—and it feels as though the outcome resulted in complete failure.)
If you’ve lost a baby and you’re
thinking about trying to have another one, or
you’re currently
in the midst of a subsequent pregnancy after a loss, then you might be filled
with feelings of despair, chronic worrying about what happened in the past and
what might happen in the future. (This is what I personally encountered while
going through the grieving process and then struggling with whether or not to
try again. I also encountered fear and anxiety throughout the next pregnancy,
which you’ll read about next year.)
When our minds are overburdened with
negative, self-defeating thoughts, we don’t see a future, and we’re frightened
about even thinking about one. All we can
think about is our loss, our pain, the death of our dreams, an overwhelming,
disabling frustration with life’s unavoidable disappointments and heart
wrenching losses. An unrealistic feeling that no one has ever suffered as much or in the same way we have suffered. Yet at
some point in our future, we need to learn, to teach ourselves—give ourselves permission and encouragement—to
dream again.
In my last post, I promised to tell
you an odd, somewhat humorous story about an event that has caused anxiety in
my life.
About twelve years ago, my husband and
I lounged comfortably in our family room, while watching a program on The History
Channel. Now, before I go further, I need to tell you that I had never
experienced claustrophobia, a fear of small, dark, enclosed places. On the
contrary, when I was a kid, I was often like a cat, happy to find the tightest,
darkest places in which to crawl and hide.
But this particular History Channel
program changed all of that and profoundly affected my life.
The program was about the history of
burial rituals and modern procedures that developed over the centuries due to
certain concerns and problems relating to death and burial. What was one of
those problems? The frequency with which people were buried alive, before
modern medicine could more accurately determine death, and before embalming
became standard practice. (Embalming, by the way, became standard practice due
to this issue.)
Well, the longer I watched, the
worse it got, and the more intensely I watched and was horrified by what I saw
and learned. My brain started imagining what it would be like to be buried
alive, to fight for air, to claw and scream to fight my way out of a coffin; to
fail and suffocate to death. And along with my overactive mind, came all of the
bodily reactions to such horror: rapid heart rate, sweating, rapid breathing. Anxiety.
(You think I would have been smart enough to turn off the stupid television,
but I didn’t. I just got more and more agitated.) My body responded exactly as
if it had been subjected to such horror.
What was the result? Well, first I
had recurring nightmares about it. Then I realized I had developed a healthy
dose of claustrophobia. And when I rode in an elevator for the first time by
myself after this program, after experiencing all of this anxiety-riddled
response, I realized I was now terrified of getting stuck in an
elevator alone and dying there! (I don’t have any fear when someone else is
riding with me. I guess I feel some comfort in knowing that I won’t be dying
alone!) It was especially shocking and embarrassing because I grew up in
high-risk apartment and condominium buildings where I practically lived in elevators!
Is there anything logical about
this? Not really. Although it is
technically possible for someone to die in an elevator after getting stuck
there, it’s highly unlikely. And if I make sure I’m well hydrated, comfortable
and am packing my cell phone, I should be able to call for help and wait out
the emergency rescue process without a hitch. I might even be able to take a
nap while I’m waiting!
When I confront an elevator, I have
two choices: I can escape the threat by taking the stairs; or I can do some
relaxation-induced breathing, give myself a pep talk, (which, I admit, doesn’t
always work well once the elevator doors close), take the elevator and sing,
pray or distract my way to my arrival. Or I could do what my pastor (who
suffers from anxiety) does and greet my familiar, anxious feelings by saying,
“Hello, old friend.” Just personifying the emotion and talking to it has a way
of diffusing it.
I am getting better, but I admit I
remain far more likely to take the stairs, if they’re available, and still do a
lot of praying and self-talk while I’m riding up and down! And during my last
MRI test, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply throughout the event. And I
experienced not one twinge of anxiety! I was so proud of myself!
I can’t stress this enough: When you
feel as if your mind is wandering down the same, self-degrading path, take
control and stop it! If you have to, speak aloud the word, “No!” Tell your
brain you’re not going to go there, and then redirect it’s standard emotional
response by focusing on pleasing, edifying thoughts.
Replace those painful, disabling
thoughts with the memories and mental pictures of the wonderful moments you and
your loved one shared, and smile about
them. (Refer to the posts on mind-body medicine.) Fill your heart with
gratefulness over the memories, times you spent together, the life you shared.
Remember those wonderful baby kicks
that alerted you to the life you carried in your womb. Fill your heart and mind
with the joy of the love you share with your spouse that brought that baby’s
life into being.
I know, it all sounds trite, disingenuous,
simplistic and somewhat heartless, particularly to a grieving person. (I know, because
I’ve been there many times.) And if you’re in the beginning stages of grief,
you will need to give yourself time before confronting any grief-related
depression, recurring fears or anxiety.
My encouragement to you is to first
remind yourself that there is a way out, that through persistence, repetition
and self-discipline, you can change
your thoughts, which will help you change your reaction to events and then help
you overcome the negative emotions that now paralyze and dilute your life and
all of its potential.
You can overcome and experience
victory!
As a wrap-up, let’s set down some
specific definitions and examples of mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a way of paying
attention. It is:
~ Observation or awareness of
internal and external experiences
~ Occurring in the present moment
~ Qualities of acceptance, openness
and non-judgment
Mindfulness is a flexible state of
mind and openness to novelty, a process
of actively
drawing novel distinctions. When we’re mindful, we are sensitive to context and
to the perspective that we are situated in the present.
In many ways it can be considered a
state of super awareness. You are fully engaged in the moment, not
allowing your brain or thoughts to wander, not succumbing to multi-tasking in
work or thoughts. You are giving steady attention to your moment-by-moment
experiences.
You deliberately take the time to
allow the thinking parts of your brain to analyze the situation and kick in before you allow the reactive parts of
your brain to take over and dictate your (typically negative) emotional
response.
As one patient put it: “I began
living my life more consciously, for example, in regard to how I coped with
stress. I started to ask myself: How do I want to deal with this? How am I
reacting to my environment? In stressful situations I could sometimes take a
step back and pause before responding.”
There are other things that I’ve
learned through this ongoing battle for my mind: I have learned (for the most
part) not to make assumptions about my days; not to be presumptive about the
future; to truthfully acknowledge that any time or day may be the last (and
live like it is); and, remind myself that while I dream, I shouldn’t spend so
much time dreaming about the future and working for it that I neglect living in
the present.
When I make an honest, concerted
effort to do all of these things, I am able to shed my depression and truly
bring myself back into the land of the living, in a way that allows me to not
just exist, but to know, believe and live
like I have a hope and a future. And my brain, and body, happily—gratefully—come along for the ride!
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NEXT WEEK I’ll teach you how you can have
permanent victory through Spirituality
and Prayer
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Until next week,
Thanks for
joining me!
Blessings,
Andrea
Note: Some information for this post has been extrapolated from
Dr. George F. Koob’s, “Calming An Overactive Brain,” presented through the
Institute for Brain Potential, September 30, 2013.
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