Pick up any magazine, self-help
book, or watch television for only an hour, and the message is clear: Take
control of your life! Take control of your finances! Take control of your
retirement! Reading and watching all of that Take Control! can make you feel so
inadequate and out-of-control that you’re driven to make instant amends and
talk yourself into doing whatever it takes—right then and there—(or at least by
the next day), to take control over whatever you’re not in control of. (Even if
you’re not quite sure what that is.)
A Realistic Goal?
While trying to get control over
your life can be honorable, it isn’t always practical or realistic. World
events cause your country’s stock market to crash, leaving you with only a
piggy bank-full of retirement savings—and only a year away from retirement. (Can
anyone say, “Remember the meltdown of 2008, from which we really haven’t yet
recovered?”) Or the doctor calls to give you the dreaded cancer diagnosis. How
did that happen when you were feeling so great!? There’s been a horrendous
accident and a relative has tragically died. He was so young and energetic,
how could something horrible like that happen to someone wonderful like him? You’ve
discovered your happy marriage was only deemed “happy” by one spouse in the
arrangement (you), and the other one has just unexpectedly sent you divorce
papers, at your son’s engagement party, no less. (If you think I’m kidding, I
assure you that these are all real life situations I’ve either been a part of
or had intimate acquaintances or family members experience.)
As much as we try to convince
ourselves we’re in control over our lives, there’s a short little Bible verse correcting that erroneous thinking. It can be found in Proverbs 16:9
and it says: “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps”
(NKJV).
So while you’re busy laboring and
planning and planning and laboring, the world might be undoing, and God may be
directing or re-directing. And, yes, He can certainly help you fulfill your
plans. So, as much as we like to think we’re in control, ultimately, we
probably aren’t, and whatever does turn out exactly the way we hoped and
planned only turns out well because God made it happen or allowed it to happen. The world would call
that “lucky”, but I call it blessed.
The Controlling Sex: Are you a high control
woman?
Men and women alike want to feel as
though they’re in control. But within the last forty years, a lot of marketing
real estate has been devoted to women taking more control over their lives.
But control can insidiously evolve
into controlling, and for some
mysterious reason, women have a tendency to migrate into the latter behavior. I
think they learn it from an early age—how to manipulate their fathers, and, by
being allowed to do so by said fathers, learn how to manipulate men, and their
husbands. Then, if they are blessed with children, watching over, nurturing,
and keeping their children safe evolves into controlling them, too. If the
women are perfectionist types, or Type A personalities, this controlling
behavior gets even worse, and, honestly, drives everyone in the home nuts. What
is it about the X chromosome that drives women to herd, control, badger,
manipulate, and cajole?
“But I’m not controlling!” you
claim. “I make suggestions, in a
loving way.” (And you make your suggestions using your most controlled voice
tone and congenial smile, too, right?)
Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how
loving your tone, or how sweet your smile, that suggestion
is going to sound like a must-do, an expected, and the receiver is going to
feel manipulated.
I remember a conversation between a
mother and her son that my husband and I were privileged to be listeners to a
couple of years ago. This dear, well-meaning friend of ours is what could be
best described as the ultimate helicopter mom. And, man, does she know how to
pilot her parenting helicopter!
As her 20-year old son tried to express his thoughts, concerns, and desires to her, she kept interjecting these "Well, why don't you...," and "Maybe you could...," "Have you thought about...," "It might be better if...," and "What if...," statements. Well meaning statements, but misplaced and definitely untimely. As she inserted her opinions and "suggestions," his eyes glazed over in frustration and sadness, his hands clenched and unclenched, and his body stiffened, and then sagged. After inserting several "I know, Mom, but..." attempts that she either ignored or failed to notice, he finally gave up. Gave up not only on being heard but on being understand and respected. Her suggestions shut him down, and it was clear it wasn't the first time this kind of interaction had occurred. It was uncomfortable, frustrating, and sad to watch. Both my husband and I wanted to "ride in" verbally and rescue him. We tried on a couple of occasions to add encouraging and supportive comments to his thoughts, but my friend didn't get the hint. Standing next to him, she probably couldn't see the sad expression in his eyes, or witness his body language. But to my husband and me, who were standing in front of him, we witnessed the full-on effects of the "discussion," and it was heartbreaking.
As her 20-year old son tried to express his thoughts, concerns, and desires to her, she kept interjecting these "Well, why don't you...," and "Maybe you could...," "Have you thought about...," "It might be better if...," and "What if...," statements. Well meaning statements, but misplaced and definitely untimely. As she inserted her opinions and "suggestions," his eyes glazed over in frustration and sadness, his hands clenched and unclenched, and his body stiffened, and then sagged. After inserting several "I know, Mom, but..." attempts that she either ignored or failed to notice, he finally gave up. Gave up not only on being heard but on being understand and respected. Her suggestions shut him down, and it was clear it wasn't the first time this kind of interaction had occurred. It was uncomfortable, frustrating, and sad to watch. Both my husband and I wanted to "ride in" verbally and rescue him. We tried on a couple of occasions to add encouraging and supportive comments to his thoughts, but my friend didn't get the hint. Standing next to him, she probably couldn't see the sad expression in his eyes, or witness his body language. But to my husband and me, who were standing in front of him, we witnessed the full-on effects of the "discussion," and it was heartbreaking.
There are several passages about
drippy wives in Scripture, too, and they’re not appealing. From Proverbs 21:19,
we learn that: Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and
hot-tempered wife. Then we zip over to Proverbs 25:24 and read: Better to live
on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife. And the verse
spoken to parents in the Book of Ephesians is one I often remind myself of,
just before my mouth is primed to make a suggestion, or belt out my opinion of
my child’s behavior, words, or attitude: “Fathers, don’t exasperate your
children by coming down hard on them.” Yes, sometimes a prompt, firm word is
necessary and warranted, but more often, a tongue biting and well-time
appointment with your Creator in your prayer closet, out of ear shot of your
child, are the recipe for perfect rather than disastrous parenting results.
On July 13-15, Nicole Unice and Karen Ehman, who are also moms, were interviewed on Family
Life Today radio. They’ve just published books about this subject, (She’s Got Issues and Letting Go of Control, respectively) and it’s worth listening to these interviews. I recommend you click on the links and listen to the broadcasts. While they’re chatting, see if you recognize any of your behaviors in their discussion. Be honest with yourself.
Day 1: “Motivated to Control” http://familylifetoday.com/program/motivated-to-control/
Day 2: “Vying for Control” http://familylifetoday.com/program/vying-for-control/
Day 3: “Surrendering for Control”
http://familylifetoday.com/program/surrendering-control/
After you’ve listened to this
interview, ask yourself some personality-dredging questions:
1. What kind of tone do I use with my
husband when I speak to him? (Is it condescending, patronizing, or respectful
and loving?) And beware:
Your children are listening to you, and they will likely follow in your
footsteps with their mouth, with both their spouses and their children.
2. What kind of tone do I use with my
children when admonishing or teaching them? (Their ages may play a role here, but because they are
people created in the image of God, just like you, they deserve love and
respect, too, no matter what age they happen to be.)
3. What kind of facial expressions do I
use when I speak to my husband or children? Does it convey love? Grace? Mercy?
Irritation? Cynicism? Rejection? (I
once heard a counselor suggest that as soon as you go into irritation mode, and
chuck out some nasty commands or responses, that you sprint to the bathroom to
check your facial expression in the mirror. It isn’t pretty. And that’s what
the other person sees. Not only do they hear your words, they see your heart through your eyes and
facial muscle contortions.)
4. Is the suggestion I’m dying to
interject at the optimal moment in the conversation helpful or nagging? Loving
or degrading? Am I giving my husband or children the benefit of the doubt? (I think parents and wives so often tend
to assume the worst and don’t give our spouses or children the credit they
deserve. After all, you’re not the only person in the house who came equipped
with a brain. Just because they view the situation differently than you do
doesn’t necessarily mean you’re right and they’re wrong. The danger of being
prone to assuming the worst is your spouse or children eventually learn that no
matter what they tell you, you won’t trust or believe them anyway, so what’s
the point of trying. Essentially, they give up—on their relationship with you,
and perhaps with God. You’ve pestered and irritated your way out of any
sincere, loving relationship with them.)
5. Am I practicing good listening skills
and really hearing their hearts?
Or am I more interested in getting and
having my own way, (which, of course, is THE BEST way to do things)?
6. What’s the most important outcome to
this discussion—understanding, mutual respect, and love, or my ability to
control the outcome, the situation, and the other person?
These are just a half-dozen
questions to ask when your control freak switch snaps on. I’m sure you could
think of another half-dozen or more to add to them. But spend some time
analyzing and practicing these, and see how much different—and hopefully
better—your marriage and family communication dynamics become.
Wanna hear a secret? I personally waffle
between being controlling and being easy-going and compliant. I really can
shift dramatically between a controlling Type A personality to an artsy,
whatever-the-spirit-moves-me-to-do Type B. Must drive my husband and kids nuts,
since they never know which mood I’m going to be assuming on a daily, or hourly
basis. (Must be my ADD tendencies.)
But I’ve come to the conclusion that
one of the reasons I swing to controlling is that I never really felt like I
had any control when I was a kid. I felt more like I was controlled. And when I had the opportunity to finally be in control
of myself, or think I was, I swung completely out-of-control! I couldn’t modulate. I was
like a kid in a candy store. Unfortunately, the candy store I frequented had
arsenic-laced treats. (Not literally, of course, but the effects on my
spiritual, emotional, and physical life were nearly as deadly.)
So for wives and moms out there,
this is serious stuff indeed. Listen carefully to your spoken words, do an
honest self-assessment, and see where your need to make some changes.
Everyone—including you—will be happier for it!
Until next Monday, may your week be
full of blessings that you receive and give, your heart be full of joy and
thankfulness, and your days be filled with laughter. Build a little heaven in
your life right now, and watch your heavenly garden grow!
Blessings,
Andrea
When the eyes of
the soul looking out meet the eyes of God looking in, heaven has begun right
here on earth. ~ A. W. Tozer
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