Anxiety weighs down the human heart,
but a good word cheers it up.
Proverbs 12:25
Your friend or loved one has lost a baby in pregnancy,
birth, or soon after birth. You want to help, but what’s the best way to do
that? Consider some of the following suggestions:
Be
There! Nothing says “I love you” more to your friend or family
member than being there for them. Yet many people are uncomfortable
around someone who’s grieving because they are at a loss for words. Then we end
up avoiding our hurting friends instead of just doing something as simple as
sitting with them in their silences.
In the initial phase of grief, conversation with the hurting
person isn’t a necessity. They’re unable to think clearly because their mind is
in shock. As I’ve mentioned in my blog, thinking just becomes too painful and
energy sapping for a grieving person. It’s easier, and demands far less energy
emotionally or physically, just to sit, since all of your energy is already
being directed into simply coping.
People won’t remember the words you speak to them, but they
will remember that you were there.
Be
Quiet and Listen. If the grieving parent wants to talk,
let them. Be quiet, don’t make judgmental statements; don’t give them
suggestions, unless they ask for them. Again, as the Psalmist says, set a guard
over your mouth and keep watch over the door of your lips!!
Meet
A Need. Serve them. Don’t just offer to do something if they need
it; do something for them. It’s
highly likely that the grieving person will not
know what they need until some thoughtful person does it for them.
And the things you do for them don’t have to be big things.
In my previous blog I mentioned a list of items to consider, such as running
errands, going grocery shopping for them, delivering a meal, watching their other
children so they can rest, be alone, or get out. Again, ask God to show you
what the person needs. They may be hesitant to ask for help, so it’s not out of
line to gently nudge them to accept your offer. Sometimes you have to tell them—lovingly, gently— that you’re going to do
it; just making a “yes” or “no” decision can be stressful or difficult for
them.
Let
the Grieving Parent Share Memories With You.
Sharing memories may mean looking at pictures of the deceased baby, looking at
baby foot or handprints, anything the parent kept as a memento of their child.
If the thought of doing this makes you uneasy, pray for strength to look at
these pictures. It will definitely give you a more intimate feeling of what the
parent is suffering. Doing this may truly allow you to be able to weep with the
person who weeps.
Give
Comfort by Using the Word of God. But be careful with this one!! Do not lob Scripture at them too soon in order
to “take away their pain,” lighten their misery, or nudge them to put their
loss into some kind of “positive” perspective. While God’s word can uplift,
edify and heal, it is God Himself who is the source of comfort and healing. His
word is alive and active, mishandled, can cause more damage to an already
damaged heart, particularly if it’s offered in a pious, preachy way.
Yes, everything will work out for good, for those who love God
and are called according to His purpose. But remember that second, critical part of that verse: for those who love God and are called
according to His purpose. There
is a qualifying prerequisite there. And even if they are believers, it doesn’t
“feel” good to them right now; and God, not
you, will be the One working it out for good, in His timing!
Be sensitive to whether the person seems receptive to the hearing
of God’s word. Then you might want to incorporate a technique I’ve found helpful
and successful: Write a note or letter of condolence that incorporates God’s words and truths without slinging, “Psalm
whatever says this,” or “First Corinthians, thus and so says that….” If they’re
Christians, they probably already know these
verses and don’t need them reiterated to them. If not, then the grieving person
is receiving help beyond measure without realizing it. This technique takes skill
and much preparation (I’ve sat for hours composing a note on my computer,
editing and re-editing it, before selecting my best stationery on which to copy
it by hand.)
And don’t try to answer the “whys” and “what ifs” your
friend or family member will incessantly ask and repeat. You really don’t know
why; any speculation is only your opinion and nothing more. It’s best to keep
your opinions unshared. Remember Job and his friends? If you’re unfamiliar with
that story, read it to see how that turned out and what God had to say about
all of their “wise” assessments. (They may want to voice their opinions and
answers these questions themselves in order to make some “sense” of it. Just
listen to them.)
It’s sometimes helpful to write a note, telling them that
you’ll be calling them in a couple of days to check on them. Then call!!! This will undoubtedly give
them something to look forward to, (they probably need something to look forward to), and let them know that they’re on
your mind. If the day you do call just happens to be one of those days that
they want to hide and disassociate from the world—and don’t answer the
phone—don’t despair. Leave a message!
I remember one of the most important, precious phone calls I
ever received was from a friend who I
hadn’t had an opportunity to see for several weeks. She called and left a
message on my answering machine saying, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot
lately, and I realized that you wouldn’t know
that unless I called you and told you. So I’m calling to tell you that I’m thinking
about you and love you.” What was my response? I sat and wept because I knew
that someone was thinking about me, they hadn’t forgotten about me, and that they cared about me! Pretty simple voice
message with a HUGE impact.
Recognize
and Affirm the Person’s Feelings. Listen and comprehend the feelings and then validate them. Let them know that
their feelings of anger, shame and depression are normal. Let them know that
anger is okay. It’s not a sin to feel anger (just read the Psalms!). I’ve heard
so many Christians say they “shouldn’t feel anger,” or that “it’s a sin to be
angry.” Just where in Scripture does it say that? Paul tells us, “Be angry but do not sin in your anger”
(Ephesians 4:26). Big difference. And in my case it was normal and justifiable
for Chris and me to be angry with the doctors who provided poor or improper
care, or misdiagnosed my condition, contributing to the fatal outcome.
Church grief groups or counseling can be immensely helpful
in this area because a person can often express their grief in this type of
setting without the extra burden of feeling judged; they feel “safe” expressing
their feelings to a “professional” or others who have walked, or who are
walking in their shoes at the
same time.
Include
the Grieving Parents in Activities. You may think they
don’t want to do anything while they’re grieving, and, perhaps they don’t;
or their own practice includes formal mourning through withdrawal for several
days or weeks, but give them the
option to say no. So often the distraction of an activity will help them relax,
momentarily take their mind off of their pain and gives them an opportunity to
experience healing laughter and joy. In the early stages of grief, laughing may
not be possible; they may be angry that the world around them seems to be
buzzing on quite normally, oblivious to their loss and grief.
Yet continue to ask, even if they say “no” often. At some
point they might just say “yes.” Just don’t give up on them.
Encourage them to get outside to exercise. Being in the
fresh air and sunshine does wonders for the body physically, and exercise
releases endorphins (“happy hormones”) that reduce depression and elevate a
person’s happy, content feelings. Exercise can also go a long way to help
someone get sleep. Since insomnia is common in grieving persons, healing sleep
is a plus!
Be
Available! Again, this can’t be stressed enough. And don’t stop being available
right after the funeral or memorial service is over. Your friend or loved one
will likely need you for much longer—months or a year or more. You may wonder
why they can’t seem to move on and stop talking about it. If you’d suffered the
kind of loss they have, you’d understand why. Since you probably do not, don’t
expect the grief process to take “x” amount of time.
Encourage
a Grieving Parent to Withhold Making Major Decisions.
They may feel pressured to make decisions too soon, and most grieving people
are on emotionally shaky ground and don’t really have the energy to make good decisions
at this time. If there are decisions that must be made, encourage the parents
to seek out good counsel from friends, their church, their medical staff, or
even lawyers, if necessary. Look for people with knowledge or expertise in
whatever area is needed. Most decisions can wait. Hastily made, poor decisions may later add to their burden and
grief.
Most importantly, be present, be a friend. And don’t be
offended or put off by what the grieving parent says to you. It’s likely that
they aren’t thinking straight and may not be able to function normally for some
time. Cut them some slack, and love
them. This is all
about them, not you. J
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NEXT WEEK: Just exactly what does grief look like?
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Thanks for
joining me.
Until next week!
Blessings,
Andrea
(Reference: The Counsel of a Friend: 12 Ways to Put Your
Caring Heart into Action, by Linda Elliot; 1993.)
